Chapter 5
Sharon Holtz
Catherine sensed a change in Vincent. There is sadness in his eyes now, that wasn't there earlier. She wanted time alone with him to see if she could find out what was bothering him.
She started out on a light-hearted note by saying, "Vincent, I do believe that Peter is giving Father a rough time."
"Yes, it does appear that way Catherine," he answered with a distant smile on his face.
"Vincent, is anything wrong? You've become so quiet."
When he looked at her, he could tell in her eyes that she was worried about him. He tried to sound very concise in his answer, so that he doesn't fuel any further concerns.
"Catherine, everything's fine," he said, looking down and breaking their gaze. He hated when he felt this way - when feelings of self-doubt, self-worth and insecurity haunted him. These thoughts and feelings would creep up on him without warning, causing him to ask himself, Is it right to keep Catherine from exploring other pathways that she would have otherwise traveled? Do I have the right to claim her as my own?
Vincent knew deep in his heart that this was the major barrier keeping them from becoming lovers. He knew that the moment they crossed that threshold and made love, there would be no turning back for either of them. It would then become so incomprehensible to think of her with another! That mere thought would drive him mad, even now! On Catherine's part, Vincent knew that her commitment was so strong that she would remain with him till death, right or wrong once they made love. And for that fact alone, he had to be sure that it was right for them to be together. Once he started on this dark, downward spiral of fear and doubts, it was very difficult for him to stop.
Catherine looked at Vincent with such helplessness. "Vincent, don't you think that I can tell when you are saddened by something?"
With a pleading but stern edge to his voice he answered her. "I don't wish to discuss this now, Catherine. Let it pass."
"Vincent, you can't hold everything inside. Please tell me."
"Catherine, I feel that you already know what it is that troubles me. Don't ask me say it! Let's just leave it alone for now. Can we?"
It was true. Catherine did suspect that it was the talk of the family photo album, the baby pictures and all that it implied - the traditional family life, with a home, and children. These were painful subjects for Vincent, feeling as he did that they were things he was unable to fulfil. "You are right Vincent, I do know. I won't make you talk about it until you're ready. But Vincent, please know that all I want and need is you. Nothing will ever change that." She hugged him reassuringly. "None of those other things are important, not anymore..."
Vincent shook his head, and moving from Catherine's embrace, retreated outside.
He could feel the evening chill on his skin, but it didn't compare with the chill within his heart.
Catherine followed him outside, and found him leaning on the railing, his head bent in sorrow. "Vincent please, don't do this. You say that through our bond you know my heart. Search it now, then you will believe me. You are all I want and need in this world. I love you so much."
"I do know your heart, Catherine, and I do believe you," he said softly.
"Then why the sadness? Look at me, please Vincent!"
Vincent tried to hide his anguish. "Catherine. . . I do know that you love me, and through that love you are willing to let go of your other dreams. But Catherine, you sacrifice so much for me. It pains me to think that because of me you will not do all the things, you were meant to do, or be the things that you could've been. . .a bride. . .a wife. . .a mother."
Catherine was pained to her soul to see Vincent so tortured. She wanted to make him feel loved and she needed the right words to say, but nothing seemed right! "Vincent, what makes you think that being with you isn't enough for me? It is!"
"Because Catherine, I heard the tenderness in your voice as you reminisced about your family. We can never have memories like that. Catherine, that picture of you as a baby - you were so beautiful. As your mother's beauty was passed on to you, your beauty will never be passed on to future generations. That makes me weep and ache inside for you."
"Vincent, how can you discount the people around us? They are our family!"
Vincent still feeling the rumblings of frustration inside, wanted Catherine to understand. "Catherine, can you really be sure that in the future you will not long to be a mother? I know those feelings of wanting to be a father so badly that it hurts, and I always known that it would never be a possibility for me. Still, I dream of it, long for it. Haven't you always imagined that you would one day bear a child?"
Catherine couldn't deny that. Yes, she always did know that one day she would have a child. She was as sure of that as she was of her past. "Yes, Vincent I have." She conceded that fact to him, but what she didn't tell him was that the baby she'd envisioned was his. For some reason she couldn't say it. She knew he would never accept it right now.
"Vincent, if I had to give up that vision for myself, how would that make this any less of a life? I could still feel complete loving you. We're right back where we started. . .Oh Vincent, loving you is all that I want and need."
"I wonder if sometimes I am being selfish," he said. "I feel that this dream that we're living, is my dream. A dream that should end, for your sake Catherine."
"No! I don't want that! Why would you say that? The times we're apart, I'm merely existing until we are together again. No one could ever replace you. If you left me, I would live out my life alone!"
"Catherine, but you don't know that! You have so much love to give. I know in my heart that you have a destiny to follow and to fulfil." Vincent turned away from Catherine unable to say anymore.
"Vincent why can't you be my destiny? I know I have much love to give, and it is to you that I want to give it! Please, hold me . . .Vincent. Won't you hold me? At least look at me," Catherine sobbed, feeling she is not getting through to him . "Vincent ,I love you! Why can't that be enough?" Tears were streaming down her cheeks . . . It seemed to her they were always taking one step forward and two steps back.
Vincent's heart was ripping in two. Wouldn't it be better for Catherine if things did end now? Should he let Catherine go so that she can go on and meet someone who can give her a family, someone who would be able to father her a child? This issue was the hardest for him to reconcile. Not knowing his origin, he felt that he couldn't with good conscience bring a child into this world. Catherine had just admitted she knew that one day she would be a mother. What do I do? What's right? he thought. Vincent's head was spinning, and he could barely distinguish Catherine's pleas over his own thoughts.
"Vincent, look at me...please..." When he didn't it was Catherine who turned away. She didn't know where she is going. . .or where to go. She walked down to the beach - it seemed to call to her - and dove in.
Vincent heard the splash, turned and ran after her.
The chilly water dulled her senses. She swam and swam until she came to the raft. Totally out of breath she climbed up and out of the numbing waters. Lying there, she could feel the movement of the waves beneath her. Catherine marveled at how pitch black was the night ,without the light of the city to illuminate it. There was nothing but the moon and the stars to light up the night sky. she pulled herself to a sitting position and suddenly felt so small, and so much alone. Sobbing uncontrollably, she collapsed in tears.
Vincent called her name as he is swam toward her. Hearing her sobs he raced to the raft. "Catherine, you could have drowned!" he said in a scolding voice as he climbs up on the raft. "and you are shivering. My dearest Catherine, I didn't mean to upset you like this. I should have gone off somewhere alone. I hate that you've seen all my insecurities, all my weaknesses." He scooped her up in his arms and held her tightly, hoping to restore some of her body heat.
Catherine still sobbed as she clung to him. "Please don't leave me Vincent! Why do you push me away? Please don't push me away, please Vincent, please..."
"Shush now Catherine. Calm down. I'll never leave you, I'm here now Catherine." Vincent rocked her in his arms tried to soothe and calm her. "No one is going anywhere. I'm sorry Catherine, so sorry. Know that I love you now and forever, and as long as you will have me, I will stay." Vincent held Catherine until he felt her sobbing subside. He looked down at this woman that he loved with all of his heart. Perhaps seeing her for the first time as the vulnerable one. Finally he realized, finally he understood that Catherine needed and wanted him just as much as he did her. No one had the right to tell another who they should love, or should live without. Everyone has the right to answer destiny's call, wherever that might be leading them. Vincent was suddenly able to let go of all his doubts. After all, he had a destiny to fulfil as well. Now he could accept that his destiny was with Catherine and hers is with him.
Vincent bent his head to kiss away the tears and all the sadness in his Catherine. Still cradling Catherine, trying to keep her warm, he asked, "Feeling better?"
"Yes Vincent, I'm better now, but you upset me so. I felt as if even you left me alone in our dream that we share together."
"Catherine, I just want to be sure that this is right for you. There is the better side of me who wants you to have the conventional home life. But I also know now that it is not for me to decide that for you. It's your decision to make. Can you forgive me?"
"Yes, of course I can Vincent."
Vincent looked up into the heavenly skies. "Look at the stars. . .why Catherine, they are brilliant tonight aren't they? Wishing stars..."
"What did you say Vincent, wishing stars?"
" Yes, wishing stars. . .these stars, here tonight, are at their full glory, and I believe that they are ready and waiting to grant someone a wish . . .grant someone their hearts desire."
"What would yours be, Vincent?" Turning his gaze from the stars down to Catherine and thinking just how beautiful she looked under the celestial light, answered with a passion in his voice, "Ah, it appears that my wish has been granted even before I could request it. Holding you like this, keeping you safe, warm and happy. Catherine, this is all I want. And yours Catherine?"
"I would wish for an acceptance of our love, not by others Vincent, but by you."
He threw his head back and smiled. "Nothing more Catherine?"
"Nothing more, Vincent. Once you can truly accept our love, and know that it is real, then I believe that all my other wishes will be granted as well!"
"Very well, Catherine. Then let the stars work their magic tonight, and I promise you I will not fight their power any longer." With a kiss Vincent sealed his promise to Catherine. Their kiss was long and deep, and Vincent, lying Catherine down softly and tenderly on the raft, leaned over her, telling her how much he loved her - telling her that she had made him so very happy. Together they held each other erasing all the fears and doubts away from one another.
Fearful of Catherine catching cold, Vincent finally said, "Catherine are you ready to go back now? We must get you into some warm ,dry clothes."
"Yes, I'm ready."
Vincent entered the water first serving as a guide for Catherine to follow in after him. She quietly slipped into the water and into Vincent's arms. Holding on to the side of the ladder, after one last kiss, they finally let go, feeling closer than they ever had, they started swimming for the shore and away from the raft - the raft which was their refuge this night. Floating weightless on the water's surface, it had served as a safe haven for these two troubled lovers.
Catherine and Vincent made it to shore before the others returned from Peter's. They hurried into the cabin and tried to change before anyone was the wiser. They found that the cabin was empty, Pascal, Mouse and Jamie, must have gone off investigating somewhere.
Catherine alone in her room, changed into some cozy warm sweat pants, and a hooded sweatshirt. Sitting on her bed, she put on some warm socks, and thought about a future that no longer seemed vague. Now she could envision Vincent at her side, and one day she would tell him the rest of her dream - that one day she would make him a father. A sense of overwhelming peace came over her. Catherine hurried so she could be with Vincent once again.
As Catherine descended the last couple of steps, she saw Vincent kneeling before the fireplace, adding another log.
Rising to his feet he stood there spell bound by Catherine's beauty. The way that the firelight danced about the room, caught the glistening moist happiness that was in Catherine's eyes. "Catherine. . . come and get warm by the fire."
The way that Vincent said her name, always drove Catherine wild. That trait alone swept Catherine away.
With a welcoming outstretched hand, he approaches her. "I want to make sure that we warm that chill from you, Catherine."
"Oh Vincent, don't you know that you already have?"
Standing in front of the fire, Catherine realized how heavenly and warm it felt. Vincent came up behind her, encircled her in his arms, and resting his chin upon her head, asked, "Catherine, I have to wonder if you have ever shed more tears throughout your entire lifetime, as I have caused you to shed this weekend. How can I ever hope to make all this up to you?"
"Vincent, you have nothing to be sorry for. We're both traveling this road together, learning about each other, and finding our way." she turned around and looked up into his eyes. "Besides all lovers have problems Vincent, partially because it makes it so much fun to make up!"
Vincent picked up on the hint bent his head to kiss Catherine. He held closely to him, and with his most intimate of kisses, he did his best to pay his debt.
they separated as soon as voices could be heard coming in from the back porch.
"There they are, I told you they wouldn't have been crazy enough to be out swimming!" said Pascal.
A puzzled Jamie replied, "I could have sworn I heard. . ."
Mouse butted in, "Mouse thought so too!"
Vincent and Catherine realized that they must have been the targets of a manhunt. They stood there looking like guilty children who had just snitched a cookie!
Jamie excitedly asked, "Can we start a fire Catherine? Outside?"
"A bonfire Jamie? Oh yes, that sounds fun! Come on, Vincent, will you help us?"
"Of course, Catherine."
Catherine lead the way out to the spot where many past bonfires had been held. They all had fun gathering wood, and twigs and Pascal brought out their paper garbage to burn. Mouse carried what he could, but it was hard to handle too much with a racoon on his shoulder. What a cute site they made!
Catherine found a huge limb, and tried to drag it over to the fire, and laughed as she called to Vincent for help! "Vincent, I need some muscle over here."
Vincent shook his head, wondering how in the world Catherine got it that far. "Catherine, please you will hurt yourself." Towering over his Catherine he looked down at her smiling. "Oh Catherine, don't you know your limitations? You are always taking on more than you can handle aren't you? Have you no fear?"
She answered him, with determination in her eyes, "Dear Vincent, how do we know what we can handle or learn what our limits are if we don't try? Fear? No, I am not afraid."
Maybe making love wasn't what Catherine meant to imply, at first anyway, but Vincent couldn't think of anything else! He took all of Catherine's comments to mean steps toward their intimacy. These images were completely turning Vincent inside out. A bit frazzled, he suggested to Catherine that they should join the others.
Catherine followed along, smiling to herself, knowing that Vincent picked up on her double meaning. It thrilled her to know she could affect Vincent in the same way he affected her!
They all sat around the fire watching the dancing flames. Catherine remembered, "I brought some marshmallows along that we can roast." And she ran in and got them. She had fun demonstrating the art of roasting marshmallows to everyone. They never had such a treat! By the time Peter returned with Mary and Father, they had a magnificent fire going, and they were having so much fun telling stories, and eating these roasted puffy sweets.
Father, looking a little bit dejected, trailed behind Mary and Peter as they neared the bonfire.
"Hello all!" said Peter. "What a wonderful idea, is there an extra marshmallow or two?"
"Or three!" said Father a little sternly.
"Of course, the skewers are over there too," offered Catherine. "Here Vincent, have one more. This one is a perfect golden brown!"
"Very well, Catherine! Are you aware that this makes the sixth most "perfect golden brown roasted marshmallow" that you have fed me tonight?"
"What can I say, I'm an expert!" she giggled. Catherine moved feed this last one to Vincent, when she burnt her finger on the hot melted confection. "Ouch that's hot!"
"Did you burn yourself Catherine? H ere let me see." By the light of the bonfire, Vincent could see the redness that the burn caused and there was still some hot marshmallow stuck on her finger. Vincent brought her finger to his lips and he instinctively sucked the burning candy off of her finger and tenderly kissed away the hurt.
Catherine was surprised by this impromptu medical treatment. She was breathless. The sensation of Vincent's lips on her finger was so sensual and sweet she couldn't speak.
Vincent suddenly realized how this must have appeared to all the others around the fire. He looked up through his fringe of hair. Feeling some what embarrassed, Vincent tried to sound professional. "There Catherine, I believe that I have removed all of the hot marshmallow that was burning your finger. Let me know if any pain or blistering develops."
Catherine found her voice. "I certainly will Vincent."
Father watched on in shock. Turning to Peter, Father finally said, "Well, of all the burn victims that I have treated through the years I don't believe that I have ever administered that treatment before! Have you Peter?"
Peter tried to lighten the moment. "Well, maybe once or twice!"
Vincent thought to himself, Oh my...
They all decide that it was time to load up into Peter's truck and to go on the deer spotting expedition. Peter hopped in the drivers' seat, and Father, giving this much thought, scooted in next to Peter, leaving Mary the spot by the door, and exclusively by Father!
"Well, this is a little tight Jacob," said Peter.
"Oh? Do you think? I'm quite comfortable, how about you, Mary?"
"I'm fine. Now no fussing over me, please."
Vincent settled into the bed of the truck, and scooped Catherine protectively to him as soon as she jumped in. "Let me keep you warm Catherine?"
"I'm always warm Vincent, when you are with me."
Pascal, Mouse and Jamie climbed in, as well. It was decided that Mouse would be in charge of the spotlight.
Peter headed out across the meadow, fairly certain that deer could be found there. Parking the truck they sit quietly and waited. Opening the window between the cab and the bed of the truck they are able to converse. It wasn't long before some crackling could be heard. Under Peter's instruction, Mouse shined the light in that direction and standing in all of their splendor, were two deer, frozen in the light.
"Magnificent" said Father, "Vincent, can you see them?"
"Yes, clearly, Father. This makes three deer for me today."
"Three?" asked Father.
"Earlier today, here in the meadow Cather. . . ." Vincent stopped himself, realizing he too fell into the trap like Catherine did earlier with Mary.
Father looked through the rear view mirror, and caught Catherine putting her hand over Vincent's mouth. He looked away, and thoughtfully he pondered the evidence. They must have seen me kiss Mary here in the meadow today. Why else would they be secretive about seeing the deer here earlier? This time it's Father who thought to himself, Oh my. . .
When everyone agreed the deer spotting expedition was a success, they headed back to the cabin. Father felt a little embarrassed that Vincent and Catherine may have seen him with Mary. He reached for her hand, and though they continued looking forward, Mary reciprocated with a gentle squeeze. No one else the wiser!
It was early mid-night when everyone unloaded from Peter's truck, and exhausted, collapsed on to the comfy couches in the cabin.
Peter remained outside, locking the truck. Catherine went back out to check on him. "Peter, do you need some help?"
"No kiddo, just finishing up."
"I can't help but notice that you are having a bit of fun with Father this weekend. Is it my imagination?"
"Uh, you noticed huh? I thought I was being subtle."
"You were, but Vincent and I were privy to something earlier today that kinda made us more observant."
"Cathy, sometimes we take people for granted. We don't appreciate them until they are gone, or maybe no longer available. So, I feel that I'm providing Jacob with a service. I'm helping him to probe his feelings, and decide just how he does feel about Mary."
"I see," said Catherine. "But have you ever considered that you are quite a catch yourself? What if Mary falls for the wrong guy with all this attention?"
"Not possible, Cathy. You see how she looks at Jacob? No, there is no danger in that."
"Peter, I'll not in a million years ever be able to thank you for this weekend, and for what you have done for all of us." She reached up and gave him a big smooch on the cheek and the tightest hug she could muster.
"You don't have to kiddo. You're re all my family, and I was glad that stubborn old friend of mine listened to me."
"Me too! Are you hungry?" she said as they entered the cabin.
Catherine, rummaging in the fridge dug out the lunch meat, cheeses and breads, and a big jar of kosher dills. "Dig in everybody." she called from the kitchen. "We don't want to haul any of this back with us. Let's eat!"
Vincent was first in line. He was starving.
"Vincent, could I make you your sandwich?"
"Of course Catherine, you proved yourself to be quite a cook this morning. I would be honored."
Catherine loaded up Vincent's sandwich with roast beef, glazed ham, and a slice of Swiss cheese.
"Mouse hungry too Catherine!"
"I'm sorry Mouse, I can fix yours too if you like."
"OK good, OK fine...Mouse would like that."
Father chimed in. "Now Mouse, you are quite capable of making your own sandwich!"
"Vincent capable too! Why can Catherine help him?"
"Because ,Mouse," explained Father, "Catherine is Vincent's Catherine! And yes, although Vincent also is capable, it is nice to have things done for you by the one that you love and care about. Or in turn, do nice things for them. When two people feel the way that Vincent and Catherine do about each other, they want to help one another. Be kind to each other. Do you understand Mouse?"
Mouse put his head down and said, "Well then, Mouse needs a Catherine too!"
Everyone giggled at Mouse's sweet interpretation of Father's words. Father got so caught up in his explanation to Mouse, that he didn't realize that he had attracted an audience. Catherine was looking at Father with tears in her eyes. Father looked up and saw her ebbing emotion, and shakily smiled at her. They had reached many plateaus this weekend. But for Catherine, this was better than conquering Mount Everest, however it may have been just about as difficult.
Vincent looked on from the corner of the kitchen, witnesses the sweetest sight that he had ever seen. The two people that he loved the most, finally understood.
Mary's voice broke into Jacob and Catherine's bonding moment and shyly asked, "Father, may I prepare you a sandwich?"
Father looked at Mary and smiled, "Oh my yes, Mary."
Pascal, Peter, Jamie and Mouse headed on to bed after their snack. Father, Mary, Catherine and Vincent relaxed and tired, occupied the two couches that were so warm and cozy by the fire.
"I think I will be sad to leave here tomorrow," said Catherine.
"Me too," Mary agreed. "I have enjoyed seeing Father relaxed. I think you needed this time away, I really do. Father."
Jacob stopped Mary, "Jacob. . . Mary, please call me Jacob."
"all right, if you prefer."
"Yes I do, because Mary, I don't feel like a father to you. Do you see me that way?"
"No, of course not Fath. . . Jacob. Oh my, this will take time getting use to."
"I don't mind Mary. . . we have the time."
Vincent and Catherine were amazed that Father talked so openly in front of them, and didn't seem the least bit self-conscience. "Catherine, I want to check the bonfire, and make sure that it is totally out. Care to join me?"
"I would love that. One last chance to stargaze sounds heavenly."
"Excuse us Father, Mary," said Vincent as they departed.